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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25334026">What do I Deserve?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ComicBooksBro/pseuds/ComicBooksBro'>ComicBooksBro</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Has Nightmares, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Dean Winchester, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Touch-Starved, Touch-Starved Dean Winchester, no beta we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:07:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>749</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25334026</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ComicBooksBro/pseuds/ComicBooksBro</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean has a nightmare and an existential crisis.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>199</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What do I Deserve?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Clear, blue eyes. Blinking. Ringed with a glowing, angry red. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A cruel laugh.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You really thought he could ever love you?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blood.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blood and pain and shouting and burns and knives and—</em>
</p><p>“Dean!” Dean Winchester shot up in bed, scrabbling for the gun under his under his pillow and swinging out wildly instead when he found it missing.</p><p>“Dean stop!” Something grabbed him by the wrists. Dean growled and tried to rip his arms away, but whatever had a hold on him wasn’t letting go. He kicked his legs out, but found them caught in something suffocating and hot.</p><p>“It’s me, Dean! It’s Castiel!” Dean snapped his eyes open. Cas was holding his wrists and his legs were stuck in the blankets of their bed. He was in the bunker—not hell, not purgatory—the bunker.</p><p>He was safe.</p><p>“Did—did I hit you?” He croaked. Cas released his wrists and pulled him into a hug.</p><p>“No, Dean, I’m fine.”</p><p>“Good,” Dean said, reluctantly pulling away from the hug and scooting to the edge of the bed. Cas started to reach for him, but dropped his hand a moment later.</p><p><em>I shouldn't have this, </em>Dean thought. <em>I shouldn't have Cas. I don't deserve him, and he sure as hell doesn't want a clingy, broken hunter like me.</em></p><p>His eyes burned, both with exhaustion and emotion. He pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes to try and stop the tears that threatened to spill over. His wrists burned where Cas had held them, and his entire body ached for contact. <em>Selfish,</em> his mind snapped at him.</p><p>
  <em>Greedy.</em>
</p><p>Cas was saying something now, but Dean couldn’t hear him over the blood roaring in his ears. The mattress shifted as Cas stood and exited their bedroom.</p><p>
  <em>He never wanted this.</em>
</p><p>Dean laid back on the bed, hot tears rolling down his cheeks.</p><p>
  <em>He never wanted you. Be honest with yourself—you don’t blame him for it.</em>
</p><p>Dean tried to calm his hitching breaths, but only succeeded in making it worse. <em>Breathe,</em> he told himself. <em>Just breathe.</em> He sat up again, shuddering as he struggled to control his breaths.</p><p>
  <em>He hates you.</em>
</p><p>“N-n-no,” Dean whimpered.</p><p>
  <em>He hates you he hates you he hates you—</em>
</p><p>“Dean!” Dean’s head snapped up to look at Cas. The angel had a concerned look on his face, and held a cup of water in front of Dean. “You’re okay. Drink.”</p><p>Dean reached out with shaking hands and lifted the glass to his lips. The water was cold and helped clear his mind. Cas came and sat next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Dean started to lean into the contact, stopping just short of plastering himself to Cas’ side.</p><p>
  <em>How can he bear to touch you?</em>
</p><p>Dean shivered against Cas’ warm skin, biting his lip to hold back more tears. Cas pulled his arm back and turned Dean to face him, cupping his cheek with a calloused hand. “You’re okay.”</p><p>Dean moved away from Cas, looking at the bright doorway.</p><p>
  <em>He’d be better off without you.</em>
</p><p>“Dean.” Dean turned to look at Cas, blinking the last traces of tears out of his eyes. “I’m okay,” Cas assured him.</p><p>Dean nodded, unable to speak around the painful lump in his throat. He wanted to say he was sorry, tell Cas he loved him and everything else he was too scared to say, but the words couldn’t come. He shuddered again as Cas squeezed his tense shoulder.</p><p>“<em>We’re</em> okay.”</p><p>
  <em>You don’t deserve him.</em>
</p><p>Cas gently guided Dean until he was on his side on the bed. Dean hesitantly met Cas’ eyes, resisting the urge to pull the angel close and fall asleep in his arms. He couldn’t do that.</p><p>He couldn’t just keep taking whatever he wanted: contact, time,<em> love.</em></p><p><em>Love. What does that even mean? Can you even give any in return?</em> Dean’s eyes filled with tears again as he tried to stop the shivers that wracked his body. Cas gave him a pained look, reached out, and pulled Dean close. This time, Dean let him, too tired to pull away, and buried his face in Cas’ neck.</p><p>“It’s okay, Dean. Rest.”</p><p>Dean’s eyes drifted shut as Cas started carding his hand through Dean’s hair. Dean took a deep breath and slipped an arm around Cas’ waist. <em>Could he do that? Was he overstepping?</em> Cas just hummed happily and pulled Dean closer.</p><p>Wrapped in his angel’s arms, Dean Winchester fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading! </p><p>Comments and kudos appreciated!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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